7th August 2008

I really don't like my job. I work in a large office sorting out theft and total loss claims for an insurance company. I find the whole experience of work intolerable.

You go to work every day, you see the same people, sit at the same desk then go home to participate in your real life. People form relationships, the person you sit next to and chat with everyday, the girl you see at the coffee machine, the lady you sometimes eat lunch with. You find out snippets of their real lives, the person they are away from the corporate facade. Then one day they leave. Have a baby, move away, find another job with less phone calls and less stress. And you don't see or hear from them again. Written out of your life except for "do u remember so-and-so?" conversations.

When I went on maternity leave I didn't call them, didn't visit, didn't pop in with my bundle of joy, or go to the Christmas party. And when I went back I didn't get a cheer, no big welcome back or we've missed you. It was this is your desk now, take your time getting back into the swing. Maybe its my own fault for not attending any KIT (keeping in touch) days.

Now I feel adrift in the office. Strawberry jam on my shirt from sticky and tearful goodbyes at the nursery door. My eyes glaze over at the conversations about drunken weekends.

Get a new job my husband says, find something you enjoy. But you need to work, we need to pay the bills. He secretly thinks if I stay at home I'll stagnate, the post natal depression will grow and eat me up again. But all my aspirations involve degree's or NVQ's. And we can't afford that. So I stay in my job and feel my brain stagnate.