25th September 2008

He asked me why I find it so difficult to do the things that need doing in the house. I sat and listened. Agreed with what he said. It has to change, he works very hard, it’s my job not his.

I know these things. I know all these things. Yet, why do I find it so difficult? It’s like a part of my brain is missing. No, not missing but it’s gone on a leave of absence. Normal together me will walk passed a mess and clean it up, sort it out, put it away. The other me will walk round it. Sometimes I’ll look at it and sigh, maybe I’ll do it later. Sometimes I won’t even look at it, as if my sub-conscious doesn’t want me to acknowledge it.

So what’s the answer? Do I need therapy? Counselling? Hypnotherapy for lazy ass people? Where does this affliction come from? I know it’s routed in depression, post-natal or not, depression rips you apart and steals parts of you that you didn’t know you needed. Like the ability to get up and do the washing up. This will sound stupid to those out there who have never felt this way. It’s different from laziness. It’s an actual physical in-ability to do things. No matter how many times I wander into the kitchen, it takes me four hours to actually begin to un-stack and re-stack the dishwasher. Try explaining that to a non-depressive believing husband.

The trouble is he’s not built this way. He’s wired differently. His genes are ‘doing’ genes, his mother never behaved like this. But mine did. For years. And now I do. And no matter how hard I fight it I see the parallels starting to appear.

So how to avert catastrophe? What plan can I implement to stop this inability to get my ass in gear? Answers on a post-card...

17th September 2008

I'm sat outside the eight-year-olds school waiting for her to come out. She comes to ours every Wednesday. I can't wait for the two-year-old to go to school. As of tomorrow he will be the three-year-old, if he lives that long. He is driving me insane, he's naughty, he's unruly, I have no control over him. I need to go on one of those bad parent programmes with a woman who will ask me why I don't like my son. Well its not that I don't like him, at times he's sweet and kind and says something so beautiful and touching it stops my heart. Its just that those times are few and his behaviour in between makes me want to crawl into a hole. I think he needs school, he needs the routeen and dissaplin. And I need the break. Hopefully in January he'll get his funding and be able to go mornings to a pre-school. Hopefully!

15th September 2008

I've hurt my back. Actually I would use a lot stronger language than that but I don't like to swear. I really can't believe how much pain I'm in. I know its because I'm pregnant, I had exactly the same thing at this stage of pregnancy with the one-year-old. The reason is simple. As my uterus grows and expands out of my pelvis, it pushes my wobbly bits forwards. Said wobbly bits and extra weight then put pressure on my back, my back is pulled out of line and the muscles spasm. Lots of pain then follows!
I went to see an osteopath today, who stuck his thumbs in the spasming muscles and wiggled me around a bit. He then cracked my bones. So now I am straight again, but the muscles haven't got the message yet. I'm hoping a good nights sleep will help them catch up.

9th September 2008

I haven't blogged for 21 days. There is a reason. I have to write about something, but before I can I had to make sure it was the right time and the right people already knew so's not to get offended that I would blog it before telling them. Does that make sense? Good. And there hasn't been anything else to blog about as its consumed all of my available brain space.

So, what is this monumental piece of information? I'm pregnant again. Yes that's right again. I am officially a baby making machine. Now what was it I said not so long ago about the house getting smaller?

I've been through lots of emotions since I found out, denial ("No no I can't be I'll take another test in the morning. Two positive results? Oh crap.") anger ("Crap, Bugger, Bollocks, I've got enough bloody stress I don't need another baby!") fear ("I don't want to be pregnant, giving birth really hurts, and it hasn't been long enough since the last time to forget") and lots of being upset. I'm sure at some stage I'll get to being happy!

So there we are, its out there now. I have released the information to the world.